You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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