How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
