Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
