I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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