My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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