I wish my penis had an off switch
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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