If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
