I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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