Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
