I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
What's dad's email?
[email protected]
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
