Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
