You're so nebulous sometimes
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
