How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
