nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
