Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
