OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
