Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
