i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Randomize
