we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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