remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
