I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Randomize
