Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
