Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
