Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
