I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Randomize
