Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
