What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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