Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
you win again, gameday.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
