The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
As shirtless as possible
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
