How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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