The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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