she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
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