I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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