I can tuck mytits in my pants
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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