i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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