I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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