well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Randomize
