I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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