I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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