I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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