Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
This is classic penis vs brain.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
