No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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