Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Randomize
