You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Randomize
