Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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