my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Randomize
