I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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