The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
