I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
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