She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I am midnight drunk by noon
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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